Year 2007


 


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 ~~ Most authors unknown ~~
 
To see more TRUE cartoons by " Daryl Cagle " click here.

 


Clown

                                    118 Jokes - So Far

Barbeque Time

When we approach BBQ season again, It is  important to 
remember the etiquette of this outdoor ritual, since it's the only type 
of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of 
danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following 
chain of events takes place:

Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill---beer in hand. Here comes the
important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.
Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND CALLS THE WOMAN TO COME GET
IT.
More routine:
8. The woman brings the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and
sauces to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man later asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and,
seeing her annoyance, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women!
Happy BBQ Season to thoughtful men everywhere....

 

 

Can cold water really clean dishes ?
                  This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.



John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean ?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny !"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean ?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it !"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".


Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted,

 



                 "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN !!!!"
 

 


Meet Coldwater ....  

 

" Where are the Americans "

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says,

Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

 

Touching Story ....

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant .


Buying Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches".

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!!!!

 

What a Kick
 
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.


                                

 

Subject: Oil Change - Female vs Male


 


 Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.  Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
 

                                                              
 

Free Meal

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."

 Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

 "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

 The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

BUBBA

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

 

                                                         
 

Subject: You're Not A Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

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But I can't tell you what it is.

" You're not a monk ".

 

                                                   

Oil Shortage

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.

 

Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
 
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma,and Texas

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

 

California Living


 Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
   The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting hinails
   and moaning in fear.

   "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy
answered.
   "There's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs,
race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

  "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life,
and  it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere  in the world."

  The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and
said,"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there
and  say it's OK, I'll take your word for  it. What do you do for a living?"

  "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."
 

                                                   

                        Horseback Riding 101

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

 

                                                               

Weather Forecast

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of t he village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

                                                              

Ethical Dilemma

A person goes to a lawyer to have a contract

drafted. The lawyer tells her that it will cost $100,

which she pays with a $100 bill. After she leaves, the

lawyer realizes that there are actually two $100 bills

stuck together. The lawyer is torn by the obvious

ethical dilemma: Do I tell my partner?

 

                   


 

Thirty Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs
And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog (except in KY or TN).

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

                          And, last but not least:

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

 

                                                                 

                                Microsoft Cafe

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your support waiter, what seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup, try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem, how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer, what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the "Soup of the Day"!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest "Soup of the Day"?

Patron: You have more than one "Soup of the Day" each day?

Waiter: Yes, the "Soup of the Day" is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the "Soup of the Day" now?

Waiter: The current "Soup of the Day" is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day:....$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .... $2.50
Access to support ....$1.00
Total:..... $8.50

                                                          

One tough golf course....

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

                                                         

Things to Ponder

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

                                                     

Flying High

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

 

                                                              

Oh! to become a Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

                                                                           

                       What did these tech terms mean
                                100 years ago?

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove

DOWN LOAD: Gitten the firewood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When your not careful getting the firewood

FLOPPY DISC: What you get from trying to tote too much firewood

RAM: That thing what splits the firewood

HARD DRIVE: Coming home in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black-fly season

BYTE: What them darn flies do

CHIP: What you step in if you aren't careful in the pasture

MODEM: What you do to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys

SOFTWARE: forks and knives

MOUSE: what eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: The hole where the mouse lives

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof

PORT: Fancy flatlander wine

ENTER: Notherner talk for "C'Mon in y'all"

CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun

DOUBLE CLICK: When the gun won't fire when you pull the trigger

REBOOT: What you have to do right before bedtime when you forgot that kitty is still outside

                
 

 


Hear ! Hear !


A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is losing her hearing because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 

How did we survive?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 40's 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't
have survived.

Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based
paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on
doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle -
tasted the same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then
went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we
learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all
day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball
really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and
there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do
the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue -
we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff,
and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very
many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been
an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal
with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!


Out of Gas



Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

 

Cat Dish

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty china.

He strolled into the store and offered five dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Morris the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"Make it twenty and it's a deal," said Morris, and pocketed the $20 on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the antique connoisseur,"The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said Morris, the deli owner, firmly, "That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 32 stray cats."

 

 

Cut Up


Jeff is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to the local power tools dealer and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So Jeff buys the chainsaw, takes it home, and begins to work on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.

"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" Jeff asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."

The next morning, Jeff gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts and cuts until nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

Convinced that he bought a bad chainsaw, Jeff decides to take it back to the dealer.

So the next day, he brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by Jeff's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.

The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then he starts the chainsaw, to which Jeff responds, "What's that noise?"


Smarty Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that stupid cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

 

Phony Deal

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"

"But don't you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool and tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer, but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"

"See you tonight, dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks .... "So, whose phone is this?"

 

2nd Opinion
Courtesy of Worldstart.com   

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

 

Where do you live ?

 
  You Live in California when...
  1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
  will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

 
  You Live in New York City when...
  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
 Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
  5. You believe that being able to swear at people  in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  6. You've worn out a car horn.
  7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 
  You Live in Maine when...
  1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything  flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 
  You Live in the Deep South when...
  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  3. After five years you still hear, "You  ain't  from 'round here, are Ya?"
  4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc..

 
  You live in Colorado when...
  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony  tail.

 
  You live in the Midwest when...
  1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

 
  You live in Florida when...
  1.You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


Last Laugh

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,

stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

Windows a Virus ???
Courtesy of Worldstart.com

Q:
Is Windows a virus?

A:
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug

Sew, Sew

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
 


 

Could golfing extend your life?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was

amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you

attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm

up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to

it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my

dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this

morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How

about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still

living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went

golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got

married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy

want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


No Name (because it will give it away).

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of  the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
 Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were  crazy about the stuff.

 The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day
of mourning which they still observe today.

 It is known, of course, as ...
 

 


 

You have to see this coming

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sinko de Mayo.

 

Get Your Goat

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an
old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw
in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the
bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger
rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched
the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie.
With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening
and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon
their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked
up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in
the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine-
shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't
be MY goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

 
 

Bureaucrats !

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

 But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

 The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave.


 

Thoughts On Exercise:
Courtesy of:  http://www.worldstart.com/newsletters.htm

** It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

** My grandmother Patty started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is!

** The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

** I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

** I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

** I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

** I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

** The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

** If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last, but not least,

** I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!


 

Arthritis...
 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
 
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
 
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
 
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".


 

Snails Pace

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

 

 



Tap Tap Who's There

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of
the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and
stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that
a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been
driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

The Watch



Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge
and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up
to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his
wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the
stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this
out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just
for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest
metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on
the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in
a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the
same voice says something in Japanese.

Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each
city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the
voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb
with admiration.

"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more
buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot
shows our location by satellite positioning," explains
Jake.

"View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes
to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working
out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this",
and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a
very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital
tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to
125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and,
most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I
only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says
Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"

"I'll give you 1,000 dollars for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you 5,000 dollars for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you 15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls
out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about 8,500 into
materials and development, and with 15,000 he can make
another one and have it ready for merchandising in six
months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and
waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to
you right here and now. 15,000 bucks. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and
peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the
stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who
turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases
he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus
station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Knowing when to scream

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the

flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient.

But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots

will be there soon and the flight can take off

immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men

walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are

wearing dark glasses.

One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping

his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men

enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines

start up. The passengers begin glancing around,

nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a

little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and

people at the windows realize that they're headed

straight for the edge of the water at the end of the

airport's property. It begins to look as though the

plane will never take off - that it will plow into the

water!!

Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment,

the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers

relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have

all retreated into their magazines, secure in the

knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and

says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going

to scream too late, and we're all going to die?!"




Driving  Lesson

A truck driver was quietly having breakfast in a
diner, when a group of tough bikers came through the
door. One of the bikers thought a waitress was cute and
wanted to impress her.

So the biker goes up to the truck driver and shoves
him in the shoulder. The trucker keeps quietly eating
his breakfast as though nothing happened.
Incensed, the biker grabs the trucker's plate of
eggs, and pours it in the trucker's lap. The trucker
ignores the attack, and starts sipping his coffee.
The biker does not like being ignored. He grabs
the trucker's coffee, and pours it over the trucker's
head. Again the trucker ignores the attack. He simply
gets up, goes to the register, pays for his breakfast
and leaves.

The biker goes to the waitress and says, "Not much
of a man, was he?"
The waitress responds, looking out the
window, "Not much of a driver, either. He just ran
over a dozen motorcycles with his 18-wheeler."

 

 

A NUN'S STORY

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a
question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must
be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I
am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK,